Assassin's Creed 2 Messed up Version
by Necros of Shadow
Summary: My abridge of AC2. Contains violance and swearing so dont read if you dont like. Review!
1. Chapter 1

Ladies and gentlemen, do not read this. If you are a gentleman you may challenge me to a duel for taking on of the best games of 09 and making turning it into a parody. If however your some guy who likes vulgar humor then welcome. Review or the Assassins will hunt you down. I dont own Assassins Creed in any way and anything offensive here i dont really believe its for comedy.

* * *

Chapter 1

"Hello everyone, my name is Desmond Miles, and I am a prisoner of war. A war I got dragged into becouse instead of listening to my parents I ran off and got caught by a company full of moral lacking nuts named Abstergo. Since then I have been put in a device called the Animus and relived the memories of my Assassin ancestor Altiar, couse apparently my family goes back to a Arab in the Crusades. The things iv seen, the things iv DONE....they kick recorded history in the nutsack and make the Da Vinci Code more believable. Well now this is my story....."

Desmond is staring at the writing on the walls, more concerned about if thats blood or jam then what the GLOWING FORESHAOWING means. Just as the hero of the tale was about to taste test the door opens and Lucy appears.

Lucy: Desmond come on!

Desmond: Wait how the hell did you go costume change in the span of minutes?

Lucy: Shut up and get in the damn Animus!

Desmond complies and gets in, after seeing the homicidal shit Altiar did nothing could be worst.

The memory begins with a shit ugly PREGO screaming in birthing with her legs spread wide.

Desmond's eyes fly open and he screams so loud the windows crack.

Desmond: What the fuck Lucy! Shes uglier then you were in the first game!

Lucy slaps Desmond and he reluctantly returns to the memory.

After watching the PREG do an ancient Italian birthing a man barges in.

Giovanni: Maria im sorry I was at the bank and GHAAAAAAAAA!

Giovanni leans outside the door and pukes at the sight, looks up and vomits again before working up the nuts to enter the room.

One of the maids hands Giovanni the baby, who seems kind of dead.

Giovanni: Wake up you little bastard! I didnt just see leave important work to see THAT spread its legs.

After shaking it the baby opens his eyes, sees his mother, and starts crying.

Giovanni: Listen to that! You are Ezio, Ezio Auditore da Firenze! Now someone please cover her up.....

As Lucy removes something from the Animus Desmond is busy puking on the floor.

Lucy: Dont be a bitch lets go.

The two run down the most depressing hallways imaginable where Lucy figuratily rips the dicks off some generic guards. Eventually they reach the garage were more generic no names attack.

Desmond: Im going to be useful.

And Desmond does by bitching Abstergo guards. For his efforts he gets to ride in the trunk as Lucy goes GTA through the streets. After several house of shit roads and a run in with the cops Lucy finally opens the trunk and Desmond jumps out for air.

Lucy: This way. Desmond we need your help. Its been hundreds of years but the Assassins are starting to lose the war, the Templars are just to many.

Desmond: Wait Altiar completely bones the Templars in the Crusades with nothing but some metal weapons and we cant even win with guns and missles?

Lucy: We need you to become the ultimate Assassin.

Desmond: Yea it takes years of grueling soul breaking training that I RAN AWAY from so no...

Lucy: Not with the Animus, not with the Bleeding Effect.

Desmond: The same thing that made the guy before me BLEED HIMSELF ALL OVER THE ROOM?

Lucy: Yep

Desmond: Sure why not at the best ill get to kill Vidic. But if I start writing 2012 shit on the walls shoot me.

Lucy hugs Desmond, who silently fist pumps in victory. After this fan service is over they met their new allies, Rebecca and Shaun.

Rebecca: Whats up want a threesome?

Desmond: What?

Rebecca: Whats up?

Desmond walks over the Shaun for a friendly hello

Shaun: Biiiiiitcch

Desmond: Huh?

Shaun: Go fuck your mother

Lucy: Oh thats Shaun he's the asshole of this team

Shaun: Great job getting out of Abstergo Desmond did Vidic finally assrape you like you wanted?

Rebecca: Shaun behave!

While Rebecca sprays Shaun with water Desmond gets ready to enter the Animus

Desmond: At least this wont fuck my back up

Rebecca: Now lets stab your finger!

Desmond: Wait what OW!

Shaun: Please thats the most female contact your gonna get...

STAY TUNED


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Desmond closed his eyes to enjoy the feeling on the chair when the memory took over.

A group of Italians gathered as a man strides up

Ezio: Thank you enough.....SHUT UP! Anyway that little bitch Pazzi has been insulting my family again. Id say lets go shove a fist up his ass but im sure he would like it.

Enter Pazzi

Pazzi: Ha ha so the mighty Ezio needs his friends to help him

Ezio: Nice groupies how many of them are your lovers?

Pazzi: Well Larry here....wait none! You Auditore cant handle anything!

Ezio: Your sister seemed to like it when she TOOK IT UP THE ASS!

Pazzi: FEAR MY MAN SKIRT!

While Pazzi shows he is a bitch by simply throwing a rock and giving Ezio a badass scar the two gangs beat the shit out of each other, since ancient Florance had no laws on gang wars. After tearing the goons a new asshole Ezio is greeted by his brother.

Federico: Good job, I knew we shouldnt have sold you! Lets get that face cleaned up...By looting people in broad daylight!

And so the two show utter disregard for any possible laws about beating the shit out of people and taking their hard earned cash. After a race new players to the series FAIL at they meet the docter.

Child Molester: Hello boys do you want to try my new 'remedy'?

Federico: No thanks Ezio got his shit beat again.

Ezio: Fuck you I snap my fingers and instant head.

MJ: Hmm you face is amazing, if only your father sold you to me. All fixed. Come again boys.

The duo race to the top of a building, and enact a moment that spawned the first AC2 yaoi and the tital finally shows up.

Federico: Lets go home.

Ezio: You go, my hoe senses are tingling.

Bitch: Ezio its the middle of the night!

Ezio: Im tired can we skip the foreplay and get right to sliding my Hidden Blade into my target?

Skank: Sure but ON THE BED. I still dont believe my father believed a monkey broke the table.

After a night of more sex then Desmond gets in his whole life the dad comes in and shits a douce.

Dad: You little shit bag! How dare you harm my innocent girl!

Ezio: Bitch I stay with people longer then she does!

That usually being the worst moment to say that Ezio was chased around by the generics until he reaches his father, who surprizingly is not a tightass doucenozzle.

Giovanni: So you kicked as, got a scar, and screwed a girl. And here I thought you could surpasse me.

Ezio: It was a slow night. Only Kratos gets two girls at once.

Giovanni: Fair enough time for the real game!

Ezio:Yay!

Giovanni: Haha fucking with you. Now for the inane crap before the action!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Giovanni: So Ezio I need you to give this letter to Lorenzo. Try not to fuck up.

Ezio explores ancient Florence and the vast improvments over the first game.

Ezio: Holy shit someone painting a house!

Eventually he reaches the Medici's house only to realise he isnt there.

Ezio: You think the ruler of the city leaving would be big news.

Pondering this he returns to his father, who he cant see over the guest's FAT.

Giovanni: Ah Ezio this is my friend.

Completly Innocent Friend: Hi there. Hope you dont mind but I ate all your Twinkies.

Ezio: 0.0

Not a Traitor: Yes sorry but breathing is such hard work.

Giovanni: Ezio go help the family before I get sick of your bitching.

Wandering outside and plotting to avenge his Twinkies Ezio sees his sister Claudia.

Ezio: Hey bitch whats up?

Claudia: My BF has been cheating on me.

Ezio: Yep.

Claudia: Wait you knew!

Ezio: Everyone knew. I mean your a stone cold bitch to everyone who wouldnt bone behind your back.

Claudia grabbed Ezio's neck and pulled him close.

Claudia: If you dont want your balls served as dinner you will avenge me!

Liking his balls for reasons the female population of Florence knew he quickly found Ducho or whatever hes called for five minutes. Besides being skinny as a stick he has a FLAB fetish.

Fatty: Arnt you promised to Claudia?

Ducho: Never! Her slimness is like a bad porn movie!

Fatty: Play our cards right and ill let you see my fifth fat chin.

Ducho was getting a boner as Ezio decided the readers didnt need this anymore. Walking up to Ducho he raised his fist....and punched the whale to the ground.

Ducho: The fuck!

Ezio: Her fat had its own gravity. Now your turn!

Ezio bitches Ducho infront of a crowd as the fatty tries uselessly to even roll over. Returning home he met his other brother.

Pettucio: Ezio can you get me that feather?

Ezio:Sure

Ezio goes to a nearby ledge and easily gets it.

Pettucio: No that one!

He points to the tallest tower in sight

Ezio: Little runt small dick donkey.....

This continued all the way up and down.

Ezio:.........Die a virgin in a hut with nothing but a stick of butter. HERE!

Pettucio: Oh I dont want it. I just wanted you to get a disease from it.

After going Man Hunt for three hours and not finding the bastard he finally goes to his mother.

Maria: Ah Ezio.

Ezio: Mother whats wrong! Oh I know!

Ezio turns his mother's face to the wall.

Ezio: All better.

Maria: Would you come get some paintings with me?

Ezio: No

Giovanni: Do it!

Ezio: But....

Giovanni: Listen you little fuck if you dont spend time with her then I have to. DO IT!

Ezio:Mother we are here.

Maria: I cant see a thing under this paper bag.

Ezio: We all need to sacrifice something mom. I have to burn that bag now.

Ezio knocked on the door. The sound of a dog yelling and a stab came before it was opened by...surprise Leonado Da Vinci.

Ezio: What the fuck was that?

Leo: What was what? Anyway lets get away from the studio and take the paintings while the body....I mean my dinner is cleaned up.

Ezio: Its noon.

Leo: Do I tell you how to live? No good move your ass.

They walk back, a little girl calling for her little puppy. When they arrive Ezio goes to see his father.

Giovanni: Took you and the author long enough. Lets get this shit started......NEXT CHAPTER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA suck it.


End file.
